7 Things Not To Say At A Funeral

7 THINGS NOT TO SAY AT A FUNERAL

Some of the hardest moments in our lives happen after the death of a loved one.  Some of the most uncomfortable moments happen when we try to comfort friends after their loved one has died.

Although everyone faces death and experiences personal loss, we often struggle to find the right words to comfort others in grief.

Over my thirty-four years of pastoral ministry, I have met well-meaning people who have said emotionally hurtful or theologically incorrect things to the loved ones of the deceased.  Here are seven phrases to avoid saying at a funeral or to someone grieving their loss.

1. They’re an angel now."

No, they’re not.  Nowhere in Scripture does it teach that deceased humans become angels.  Don’t let cartoons and pop culture ideas influence your understanding of death.  Not only is it wrong, but it can also be insensitive.  Don’t try to diminish the grief of someone by spouting off trite (and inaccurate) sayings.

2. "I know how you feel."

Yes, virtually all of us have suffered loss, but none of us has the exact same experience or feelings.  This makes the conversation about you and not about the person who is suffering.  If you have been through a similar tragedy, such as losing a spouse or child, tell the person that you’d be glad to talk when they feel up to it.  Don’t push them, but follow up after a few weeks once things have settled down.  Let them know you will be there for them.

3. "They look so good."

One of the most uncomfortable experiences is seeing the person’s body in the casket.  The temptation is to compliment the body's appearance or note how it "Looks just like them." Don’t do this.  In reality, we all know the body doesn’t look good.  It doesn’t look right because it’s not.  After Adam and Eve fell, death became an unwelcome resident of God’s good creation.  The dead body looks unnatural because it is, and no amount of soothing words can make that any less of a reality.

4. "Don’t cry or go ahead and cry."

Yes, everyone grieves, but everyone grieves differently.  We should not impose our way of grieving on others.  Yes, Christians don't grieve as those who have no hope, but we do grieve.   For some, that means tears flowing freely.  For others, it may mean silent reflection. Our goal is to bring comfort, not judgment.

5. "At least it wasn’t worse."

This should be obvious, but too often it’s not.  Saying something like this won’t make the person feel better or lessen their loss.  Don’t try to point out how other people have had it worse or try to get the grieving person to "look on the bright side of things."  Allow them to grieve without feeling guilty.

 6. "God is sovereign."

Yes, this is true. Yes, this is biblical.  Yes, God has promised to work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).   But no, you probably shouldn’t say it and nothing else to a person immediately after their loved one died.    We can rest in God’s sovereignty and trust in it, but still not want to hear a trite "everything happens for a reason" as we stifle waves of grief.

7. "Let me know if I can help."

This may sound comforting, but in many ways you are shifting the responsibility onto the person trying to keep their head above water. Instead of asking them to tell you, find ways to meet a need without being asked.  They probably won't call you to ask for anything, but they might gladly accept a meal, help with paperwork, or an offer to pick up kids from school or take them to soccer practice.   Be attentive enough to see their needs and address them without the grieving family having to reach out to ask for help.

What can you say instead?

In many ways, simply saying "I’m so sorry for your loss" can go a long way toward showing care and presence.   Or perhaps, "Words are inadequate to express the sadness I feel. I'm praying for you."

Maybe think about sharing a cherished memory of your loved ones.  For me, a surprising source of comfort during my mother's mourning was coming together with family, reminiscing, and exchanging heartfelt stories. 

If everything else fails, simply hug them or sit quietly with them.  You can convey a lot without speaking. Sometimes, it’s better to remain silent than to say something that could cause more harm than good.

Be the Church in Relationships,

Pastor Carroll